York's Wild Kingdom Amusement Park, October, 1996
Again, I just wanted to have a photo for my blog. I picked this for no particular reason, at least in any conscious sense.
I spent the last three days doing extra work for a feature film in Boston (Bachelor No. 2 starring Dane Cook and Kate Hudson). We had very long days. I actually worked 45 hours in 3 days. They didn't need us today but we are scheduled to work again on Monday.
I was one of the bridesmaids in this film. Most of the wedding party ended up bonding quite well. Well, I mean, the wedding party extras bonded. (Kate Hudson was in the wedding party as well.) Not to be too cliquey, our group included non-wedding party extras as well. Now, perhaps, subconsciously, I chose this picture because one of our group members lives in York and another was talking about York's animal and amusement park. Ah, there's always a connection even when you think you're doing something for no reason at all.
This was actually a wonderful group of people. The kind that gives you energy, not drain it.
A few of us gals were talking yesterday about putting out positive energy. We wanted to go to Monday without uttering a single negative word. I was thinking how I can go without saying something negative about other people but it's harder with my own self. And I suppose particularly after hanging out with some dang beautiful people, it's even harder not to feel bad about who and what I am. They were wonderful folks, but I couldn't help but to be reminded of all my flaws and how much I don't forgive myself for the way I look, even though I can't help most of it.
Films are quite classist. You have the stars, the director, the crew, the day players and then the union peasants non-union peasants. Some extras are there solely for the paycheck, others are there hoping to get a moment on screen. And who does and who doesn't can be a matter of pure luck or pure looks.
I was thinking how much of our inner struggles are with things that we were born with, things that we can't help. And so many of us aren't happy with the unfair and random distribution of looks, intelligence and talent. I think of how much energy we waste on thinking about things we absolutely cannot help. While most of us know that we are better off accepting what we were given and working hard to make the most of it, it's still so hard not to have any negative feelings over the uneven gift rationing. I think this is due to having a built in instinct to survive, and surviving involves our gifts as well as hard work. It involves how we are perceived by others. I certainly don't mean this in a sense that we should always care what other people think of us, but when you think of what we do to make livings, it is always based on a certain market in some way, and with that comes pleasing that market. And we have no control over the fact that the market is attracted to attractiveness, or other qualities that we may or may not have been given.
How do you accept it? I know that the happiest people aren't necessarily the most beautiful, intelligent and talented. I believe that some people, regardless of other gifts or lack of any gifts, are simply born more happy than others. Happiness is a gift, although I think that you can attain it if you put your mind to it. But we all know that one person who is just a walking, breathing depiction of pure joy and it doesn't seem to take such effort for them.
I hope I don't seem too contradictory here. I do believe in working to make yourself better and happier and such. But it is simply easier for some people that others. And I hope this doesn't come off as something I'm spewing in anger. I'm not. I'm just contemplating. I'm constantly gaging what it is I must simply accept as a part of life and what I can actually fight and/or work on.
I should note that I've also received a few festival rejections this week and that hasn't helped my mood, although I do think I'm shaking it off decently enough. Maybe I do feel that if I had budget and could make a better looking and sounding film that it would be getting into more festivals. But I have to sit back and think about the success I've had with it so far, and that it has gotten into festivals, sometimes beating out some more technically advanced films. I have to stop comparing and think about where I am and where I want to go from here. I have recently gotten a lot of flattering comments on my writing, for both I Just Want to Eat My Sandwich as well as other films. So I'm okay. I supposed I have something in this hugely flawed self of mine to work with. I have to keep focusing on what I'm good at and improve myself where needed.
Oh, Extra Gals, I'm sorry, I did say something negative about myself here.
I'm working on it.
Maybe I'll go back to the amusement park. Lots of happy vibes there. :)
Labels: Films I acted in, Miscellaneous